Top 100 Funny Quotes That Will Keep You Cracked Up All Day

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. Henny Youngman funny quotes

Hottest funny quotes collection of all time. Easy to read list of the most hilarious phrases ever spoken. Perfect for sharing, blogging and tweeting.

Funny Quotes

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them. Charles Darwin

Reality continues to ruin my life. Bill Watterson

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave. Wilson Mizner

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Jack Benny

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. Robin Williams

Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn’t advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn’t wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy. Emma Watson

The human brain is a funny thing: it’s very susceptible to tempo and melody. You put the right words to it, and it becomes very influential. Ray Stevens

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden

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