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As I get older I realize I do a LOT more YOGA…attempting to tie my shoelaces
Me: “I want to travel more.” Bank account: “Like, to the park?”
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn’t afford it.
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
There’s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
Slowly, Waldo’s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I’m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it’s hard……..so hard……
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don’t get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.
I wouldn’t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn’t know them all so well.
The lyrics for “hush little baby” are basically saying “I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up”
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn…..it’s dead yarn now, though.
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